CHAPTER ONE: A PERSONAL HISTORY EXPLORATION: PERSONAL VALUES AS GROUNDING FOR THIS STUDY

Poor Old Elm Tree

On Saturday, June 21st I'm sorry to say Mr. Miller's elm tree past [sic] away. It was about 200 years old. It would be marvellous if that tree could tell us about what he saw. Maybe he saw when the Americans tryed [sic] to fight the Canadians in 1812. Or [sic] when the first settlers were here. Maybe children used to play under it in the shade. Now I will tell you what I think. One day one of the seeds of an elm tree came off. It gracefully flew, then it stopped. It landed. Every day it grew and grew and it became more lovelyer [sic] than ever. Then he saw a mother deer with her young. And he was a home for many tiny animals. He standed [sic] in the dreary cold and in the sizzling hot sun. (Heather Knill, First Published Story in The Burford Advance, Grade 3, Maple Avenue Public School, 1968)

Cole and Knowles (2000) state that our personal histories have a powerful influence over our professional practice.

Through personal history exploration you will find the keys to unlock your understanding of yourself as teacher. In remembering, re-creating, and writing about your prior experiences associated with learning, schools, classrooms, and teachers you can make known the implicit theories, values, and beliefs that underpin your teaching and being a teacher. (p. 28)

As individuals, our unique experiences and different environments impart a system of values to us. I believe that I need to examine where I came from as a learner to understand my living standards of practice in my role as Primary Teacher Consultant. I maintain that my past will assist me in informing the future. "Years from now, my actions of today will be the past and from them I will continue to learn. It is like a cycle that continues to spiral, developing us both personally and professionally if we let it" (Cole & Knowles, 2000, p. 29).

My earliest recollection of school begins on my first day of school in September of 1965. I lived in a farming community and an hour bus ride was necessary in order to reach the small public school. It is the end of the day that I remember. It took great effort to climb the massive steps to reach the landing of the bus, only to find people the size of giants positioned in every seat. My mother had delivered me to the classroom early that morning, so this was my first experience with "yellow" transportation. The smell of leftover lunch box remnants was nauseating, and the voices of the "people" were boisterous and loud. I was exhausted after my first full day of school and tried very hard to keep my tiny little eyes open. The yellow bus bounced through the "craters" in the road, and as I bounced alone on the seat I could barely see over the seat in front of me. Finally I reached the corner of my house, and there was my mother anxiously waiting at the end of the lane. She was waving and I waved back...and the bus continued on down the road because the driver had forgotten to stop.

Like a lioness in fear of the safety of her cub, my mother jumped in the car to chase the bus. Approximately 2 miles down the road she managed to pull in front of the bus as another child was exiting and demanded her precious cargo be released!!!

It was the end of an exhausting day, but the beginning of my quest for lifelong learning. Oral communication was the focus at the family dinner table as my father led the discussion and questioning as to the successes and difficulties of our school day. He savoured every detail and offered praise and encouragement with every story that was shared in our circle of narratives. Laughter and humour permeated the conversations. Important family decisions were decided collaboratively and with detailed discussion. Each voice, in my family of six, was valued and respected. My father left school at the age of 16 to enter the work force and to assist my grandfather on the family farm. His own quest for lifelong learning and strengths in oral communication resulted in his career as a successful business entrepreneur. (H. Knill-Griesser, reflective journal, January 4, 2001)

"Our experiences of growing up in families and communities, our experiences of learning in formal and informal settings, our experiences of being in schools and other educational contexts as students all contribute to who we are and what we believe and do as educators" (Cole & Knowles, 2000, p. 28). My family life exemplified the values of loving care, trust, empathy, listening with heart, humour, collaborative decision making, and a passion for learning. It is not surprising that these are at the core of my values in the communicative relationships that I have established with my peers. Evidence of these communicative relationships will be provided in subsequent chapters as indicated in comments and quotes written by my peers in response to questionnaires and surveys.

Grandma cooked meals, was taxi-driver, confidant, and "best friend", as both of my parents worked in their self-employed business. I will always remember her at the age of 68, playing "duck-duck-goose" in the crisp, snow-covered fields, with my siblings and me while she was caring for us. We came home to wonderful smells of freshly baked bread, pies, tarts, and home-cooked meals. Grandma's beliefs and values included loving, trusting, caring relationships and serving others with a smile. She, herself, had a public school education, but encouraged and stressed the importance of lifelong learning. Through milking cows and raising 700 chickens for eggs, my grandparents had sent two of their three sons to postsecondary education.

My family often comments that I have my Grandmother's appearance and mannerisms. I believe that she has had the greatest influence on my beliefs and values. Being compared to my Grandmother is the greatest compliment I could ever receive. When I look in the mirror, I see her smile!! (Knill-Griesser, Reflection, January 15, 2000)

My Grandmother, like Beck (1992), placed caring at the top of the values hierarchy (Regan & Brooks, 1995, p. 29). Robert Greenleaf states that "caring for persons, the more able and the less able serving each other, is the rock upon which a good society is built" (1977, p. 49). I believe my Grandmother was a servant leader exemplifying the values of honesty, love, compassion, and responsibility. These values I instill in my own children through modelling and encouragement. Greenleaf states that "responsible people build. They do not destroy. They are moved by the heart; compassion stands ahead of justice" (Frick & Spears, 1996, p. 306). In my teaching, parenting, and leadership role as consultant, I believe that "care is the amniotic fluid in which all activities must be immersed" (Regan & Brooks, 1995, p. 29).

A climate of caring, creativity, and love of learning surrounded me early in my educational career.

My grade 2 school year at Maple Avenue Public School began with the demolition of my school. A new building was being erected on site, and teachers and students were sent to various churches that year while awaiting completion of the new public school. For one year my classroom became the basement of a very old Salvation Army Church. My teacher, Mrs. Colwell, should be commended for creating an environment of hands-on learning experiences and integrating curriculum with a minimal amount of resources.

The first day of school the students entered their foreign classroom environment to sounds of a budgie singing, a gerbil racing around an exercise wheel and a turtle gently slipping off a rock into his tepid water bath. We were encouraged to bring other pets into the classroom, and I proudly brought in my pet salamander to our new classroom. Mrs. Colwell lived by the value of respect for the environment and others and encouraged this value with her students.

Our gerbil became the incentive for a great story writing week when he escaped from his cage and began an adventure in the basement of our classroom. Integrated learning was explored in the disciplines of language, art, music, drama, science, and social studies. As frequently as the light bulbs were burning out, our class was using them to create paper mache puppets that were used in story writing and drama presentations to the class. A guest entering the room would be engulfed with the sounds of happy children in an active learning environment.

I would have to say that out of my entire "educational" career it was the most "stress-free"interactive environment that I have ever experienced. My teacher instilled a love of learning, meeting the individual needs of her students in an unusual teaching environment. These experiences have encouraged me to provide an integrated learning environment for my students, recognizing multiple intelligence and learning styles. My classroom is filled with displays of student work and voices. The tasks my students are engaged in are real-life problems with real-world connections and applications. (Knill-Griesser, Reflection, February 5, 2000)

This story is significant because I believe that my teaching values of caring, trust, empathy, respect, autonomy, collaborative decision making, and risk taking were influenced by the values modelled by my grade 2 teacher. Multiple intelligences and learning styles were operationalized in my grade 2 classroom long before the labels were identified by Howard Gardner. Mrs. Colwell used Montessori's notion of a "prepared environment." "That is, we have to know what we want to help students learn, then we have to create an environment which has the potential to foster that learning" (Newman, 1998, p. 191). Our interactive classroom environment invited us to build on our knowledge and experience our learning.

My memories of early classroom settings were interspersed with formal settings, desks in rows and silent students versus interactive classroom environments where students were invited to build on their knowledge and experience their learning. It was the classrooms where students' voice was valued, multiple intelligences and learning styles were accommodated, and interactive learning was promoted where I achieved my greatest success.

Three...two....one....blast off. Mission control, we have lift off. We sat in our seats and experienced the thrill and excitement of an astronaut venturing to unknown and mysterious territory. Our classroom environment was a replicated space capsule, and we watched the launch of the rocket from The NASA Space Program on the television screen. Our grade 7 classroom space program was integrated across subject disciplines and students and teacher negotiated the curriculum journey. Our "nutritious" space snacks were sampled twice a day. Every meal was freeze dried that went to space, and I believe we were eating mini versions of "tootsie rolls." All of our senses were stimulated: sight, sound, taste, smell, and touch. Our mission was a great success and optimal learning experience!! (H. Knill-Griesser, reflective journal, January 4, 2001)

J. Trull, a member of my validation group and Early Literacy Itinerant Teacher for the Grand Erie District School Board, commented that it was important to integrate memories into what we know about good pedagogy, creating a comfort zone for teaching.

It's of real interest and importance, as it activates those early school impressions that stay with us...also, I think it's important to look at how school has NOT changed in a time when our targets are ever changing, ever more impossible to achieve...we CAN use instinct and past experience to shape meaningful experiences for our students...in 100 years...in 10 years... the Ontario Curriculum, Action Plan, etc. will be dust, but the human qualities continue to be important...That's what I feel about the great job our core schools are doing around changing negative behaviour...its takes a lot of energy but it's critical for families who are at the survival level...as opposed to higher order thinking skills level...kindness, enjoyment of the simple pleasures of sharing a great lesson,...Back to Basics... Back to Memories of what we know is important. (J. Trull, e-mail correspondence, January 31, 2001)

Kuczmarski and Kuczmarski (1995) believe that values stem from family and childhood experiences. They believe that our values are shaped by our parents, siblings, family members, teachers, peers, and religious affiliations.

Each of these influential people and associations shared their own beliefs with us and transferred their values to us as children. Our childhood experiences from school, family rituals, holidays and celebrations, travel and vacations, as well as daily family practices, styles of interaction, and approaches to discipline--all had a major impact on our values formation. (p. 43)

The spiritual aspect of my life is an important value that was instilled by my family. Stephen Covey (1990) states that the spiritual dimension is responsible for providing leadership to your life.

The spiritual dimension is your core, your centre, your commitment to your value system. It's a very private area of life and a supremely important one. It draws upon the sources that inspire and uplift you and tie you to the timeless truths of all humanity. (p. 292)

S. Covey (1990) believes that the leadership centre of our lives spreads like an umbrella over our existence, providing renewal and sustenance. After attending church one Sunday, 7 days after the passing of my grandmother and 7 months after the passing of my father, I wrote a response to my critical friend. A critical friend is a companion or colleague who is willing to sympathetically discuss your work, providing support and encouragement (McNiff et al., 1997).

I went to church on Sunday and wrote this passage that was read by our minister. "24 So then, anyone who hears these words of mine and obeys them is like a wise man who built his house on rock. 25The rain poured down, the rivers flooded over, and the wind blew hard against that house. But it did not fall, because it was built on rock"(Matthew7, Verses 24 and 25). I wrote that my values and faith are helping me to survive the storm of grief once again. My values and faith are the rock!!!

Our minister has a very special place in my life. He has been a part of every person that has had a special place in my life, both of my grandmothers and my father. (H. Knill-Griesser, e-mail correspondence, February 5, 2001)

Evidence of my personal histories can be found in a portfolio scrapbook that I kept as a child. These include newspaper clippings, photographs, letters, awards, creative writing efforts, and certificates. Whatever newspaper clippings of success I had missed as a child were presented to me from my grandmother's prized portfolio collection when she passed away. Portfolios followed me into the classroom, where each of my students possessed a collection of work showing success and growth and development over time. They helped students with goal setting and reflection upon their own work. Portfolios were shared and celebrated with parents at interview time. "The key aspect of portfolio use is the discussion and self-reflection that surrounds the work samples in the portfolio, supporting and enhancing cognitive development" (Grant, Heffler, & Mereweather, 1995, p. 59).

An ethic of care directed my planning one Hallowe'en morning to respond to the needs of the students in my classroom. Intuitively preparing for the increased level of excitement and energy that would be present in my classroom, I planned an activity that would channel the energy to be a positive experience for the students.

The students entered the school with an increased level of enthusiasm, excitement, and energy. Some of the happy faces were painted in anticipation of afternoon festivities. Curious faces were peering into mystery bags that contained secret costumes that would be revealed later in the day. This was the morning of Hallowe'en celebrations. To make use of the energy and excitement that were evident in the classroom I selected a musical play from Music Builders III called "The Beamy Brown Eye" by Agnes Buckles. I divided the class into groups of four, and each group were given a specific section of the poem to create a tableau scene to represent the script.

Students worked cooperatively and creatively in their groups. The analysis and application of tableaux that the students created for each scene was amazing. Some mystery props were pulled out of costume bags. The specific scenes were put together as the voice and sound effects from the narrator accompanied the performance. Students quickly got into position at the front of the room in their tableau positions when it was time for their scene and "melted away" when their scene was completed.

At the end of the day one of the students commented, "We didn't do any work today!" This was a critical incident for me. The morning activity was an enjoyable experience where drama, language, and music were integrated for exploration by the students. (Knill-Griesser, Reflection, February 22, 2000)

Nel Noddings comments that, "in a classroom dedicated to caring, students are encouraged to support each other; opportunities for peer interaction are provided, and the quality of that interaction is as important (to both teacher and students) as the academic outcomes" (Noddings, 1988, p. 223). The morning activity challenged the students to create their performance in an environment of trust, risk-taking, autonomy, and collaborative decision-making. Paula M. Short (1998) believes these characteristics are examples of empowerment. She states, "You cannot empower teachers and students; you only can create environments and opportunities that lead to and support empowerment" (p. 70).

Studying this classroom memory reminds me of why I embarked on the journey of teaching as a classroom facilitator. It gives me insight into what I want to "hang on to" when I focus on my work with teachers. Creating opportunities and environments that will lead to the empowerment of teachers and supporting interdependent relationships are parts I want to "hang on to." Studying this classroom memory gives me a sense of renewal so that I can imagine a way forward. Character is a foundational principle that includes integrity, compassion, patience, courage, trustworthiness, and fairness (S. Covey, 1990, p. 18). I need to strengthen my character trait of trustworthiness, giving me a sense of renewal, in order to establish relationships with my peers built on trust. Trust will be the foundation for the empowerment of teachers. Through this classroom memory I am able to reinvent myself (Mitchell & Weber,1999) by focussing on active listening, promoting interdependent activities, and encouraging professional dialogue and discussion based on a foundation of trust.

Studying ourselves ...speaks directly to the heart of our identity, to who we think we used to be, who we think we are, who we wish we were, and who we hope to become--with the 'we'containing some 'me', 'us' and 'you'....Reinvention through self-study can be a powerful and highly effective means of self-transformation and a catalyst for professional growth. (Mitchell & Weber, 1999, pp. 231-232)

My personal history exploration is the key to unlocking my understanding of my values and living standards of practice as a teacher consultant. The metaphor of the dream keeper can be used for each story and narrative that I write in my personal and professional life. Houtekamer (1997) uses the metaphor of the dream keeper for her autobiographical writing.

Each connection made creates a web that catches more memories, surprised out of forgetfulness. Each memory changes the process of re-storying the memories long held, and might even change the direction of the weave itself.... As we change our stories about our pasts, as we create nets of thought, memory, and new knowledge, we change our understanding of and our actions in the present moment, and our visions of ourselves in the future. (Houtekamer, Chambers, Yamagishi, & Good Striker, 1997, p. 158)

My stories and narratives are interpretations of the moment, and in re-storying these memories my dream keeper becomes a dream-weaver (Houtekamer et al., 1997), creating new knowledge for my actions in the present moment and helping to inform my future in my vision quest of support to improve student learning.