My purpose for this chapter is to explain what I have learned in the course of this study--to describe my espoused values evidenced in my practice. Consequently, this chapter has been the hardest to get started. My house has never been cleaner nor my bookshelves neater. All of my books are now grouped according to subject and in alphabetical order by author. What does that tell you about my writing angst? I have never felt this blocked before, so I feel the need to uncover the reasons I am having problems. Perhaps, I am reticent to finish because a project unfinished is less likely to be judged and found wanting in some way. Perhaps articulating my values is akin to standing on marbles; they are rarely still long enough to allow me to really see them. Perhaps my difficulty is recognizing that my process is much like that of Cole. Not that I would attempt to put my writing in the same realm as hers; however, we have the same tendency to make tea or walk our dog while we are thinking and getting ready to write (2001). For me, getting ready to write "is quite a lengthy process...and include[s]...doing a million other things as my head gets around the issues" (Black, Email July 11, 2001).
While my process is part of the issue, I think there is a deeper truth to my angst. As Smith (2001) wrote in his unpublished paper for the American Educational Research Association pre-conference in self-study,
Now I see that all of my personal and professional efforts are fusing into a general intellectual and soulful/spiritual journey of life and that the understandings that I discover and the meanings that I create in one aspect of my life have resonance in all parts of my life. (p. 2)
He has found that his "development as a teacher educator/researcher has mainly been in a direction of becoming " himself (p. 2). Describing the origin of my values as I perceive that origin today, has some temporal distance so is less risky than exposing those values currently evident in my practice. For, to expose the evidence of those values in my professional practice is to invite judgement of who I am on a personal level.
According to Bateson (1990), "self-knowledge is empowering" (p. 5), so, in this chapter, I will find the courage to present my personal values that are evident in my professional practice and provide stories, quotes and observations from my journal to substantiate my claims. I value care, respect, trust, humour, empathy, and music. As I gain confidence in my ability to work from my values and see the positive impact they have on student learning, I am beginning to trust my intuition and subsequently value my own voice. This is crucial "in order to understand the importance of drawing out the voices of others" (Belenky et al. 1997, p. 175). Regan and Brooks (1995) stated, "we have noticed that as we build on our experiences, we place greater trust in our intuition" (34). And as I learn to listen to my intuition and trust it, I see more evidence of my values in my practice. This is also valuing my "knowing-in-action" (Schön, 1983, p. 50); knowledge that is "tacit" (as cited in Schön, 1983, p. 50). This knowledge is based on experience, and only in the appropriate situation will the tacit become explicit.
Throughout my personal journal, I have recorded tiny snippets of conversations and situations which show me that I am making a difference. Each conversation involves a specific situation or issue not directly related to the kind of job I am doing. However, I have always placed great importance on smiles, laughter, and voice inflection. In other words, actions have always spoken more loudly to me than words.
Students have highly tuned crap-detectors. They will know instantly that I say one thing and mean another. The drawback of this type of teaching(leading) is that it is highly front-end loaded. Any honest relationship takes a great deal of time to develop in a healthy manner. There is no way to rush the process. Day after day, exhibiting teaching methodology that is consistent with my talk is the only way that students will come to trust me. There is no shortcut to a good relationship.(Personal journal, May 13, 2000)
An example of that is a situation that arose one Friday last December. A small boy hurt his ankle at recess and was discovered after everyone else had gone in. I piggybacked him back into the school. The actual cause of his distress, however, was not his sore ankle, but the fact that he was the victim of some bullying. So I initially dealt with the situation that he was telling me about--his sore ankle. However, as I watched him, I could see that his face shut down whenever I mentioned returning to class. Eventually, I coaxed him into explaining the real issue. After I dealt with the other students involved, I cajoled him into going outside after lunch. About an hour later, I saw him in the company of the student that had been bullying him. I said, "Hello," and he looked up and beamed at me. That meant a great deal to me. I realized that the situation had been resolved and I had been right to encourage him to stay at school for the afternoon. Nothing more was said about the situation, but I did not need a verbal explanation.
How Did I Begin To Trust My Intuition--My Way of Knowing?
Questioning myself as to how I know what I know, I realized that I have begun to trust my intuition. Two years ago, I took a Myers-Briggs Test. This is a personality assessment instrument designed to help people in various settings understand their strengths and weaknesses with the goal of improving personal productivity. My results identified me as an ENTP. That means that I am an extroverted, intuitive, thinking perceiver. According to type, I am imaginative and like to follow my own time frame while ignoring traditional ways of doing things. I can be inspirational and rise to leadership positions because of my quick mind, confidence, and verbal skill. I prefer starting projects to finishing them and, most important, I prefer to understand people rather than judge them as I pay attention to their underlying motivations (Baron, 1998).
My day is full of split-second decisions made to solve problems. That smile of a teacher, a snatched, two-sentence conversation while on the way to class, the wave of a child, and the way students seek my approval when they see me. The tiny snippets of life that happen in the course of my day add up very quickly and speak volumes. Those tiny pieces build relationships much like notes build melodies, but the whole is always greater than the sum of its parts. Rather than look at specific events, I like to think in terms of connections with people. My connection to each person is strengthened over time, as I answer questions, solve small problems, or build on a standing joke. I perceive those minor interactions as pieces that are filed in the respective folder of each relationship.
This information has become significant for me as a result of my reflection-on-action (Schon, 1983, p. 276). At school, I give the impression that I am comfortable and do my job in a confident manner. However, when I come home, my brain starts to go. I relive the day many times as I second-guess some of my words, deeds and decisions. When speaking with a friend who is also in a new job, she corroborated my process. She agreed with me that it is almost easier to stay at work and do the job than to go home and start the process of rethinking the day (Conversation, November 15, 2000). I have realized that as I reflect after the process, I put ideas and issues into the bigger picture. One interaction loses some of its negativity when regarded in the big picture of that relationship's bank account (Covey 1989). In a relationship where the interactions have been primarily positive, one negative remark or disagreement will not have as great an impact as in a relationship that is primarily negative. Van Manen (1990) agrees with my pattern of reflection. He believes that "a person cannot reflect on lived experience while living through the experience" (p. 10). "Practice (or life) always comes first and theory comes later as a result of reflection" (p. 15).
How Does My Way of Knowing Affect My Way of Reflecting?
When reflecting on my work, I realize that there are very few compliments in the course of a day. And should I really need compliments from other people? However, without positive feedback of some type, I think it would be difficult to continue with the same enthusiasm. My "reflection-on-action" (Schon, 1983, p. 276) has helped me realize that my intuitive sense, the sense that picks up the small positives sent my way in the course of a day, has received enough positive impulses to show me that I am on the right track. The same type of reflection can be demoralizing, also. Sometimes, people send a negative message my way that is not intended for me. How much do I take personally and how much do I leave with each person? There is a fine balance between wanting the feedback as validation that my way of doing the job is effective and needing the feedback as approval that I am doing a good job. That brings to mind another issue.
Dewey describes this type of reflection as thinking about things "not sensed or directly perceived, to things not seen, heard, touched, smelt, or tasted" (Dewey, 1933, p. 5). Goodman (1984) translates this process as "combining rational with intuitive thinking, so that logic and order, imagination, emotions, tacit sensitivity, understanding and holistic appreciation are interwoven together" (as cited in James, 1999, p. 94). Nonverbal signals do not mean much to me as they are happening. However, it is my "reflection-on-action" (Schon 1983) that makes these cues more significant. So my cues are not "directly perceived" but, in retrospect, I remember that glance, that comment that triggered a little boost of joy, and then I write them down. By the same token, there are impulses that trigger negative feelings when I reflect later, and I take the time to learn as much from them. However, I am aware of the importance of context. Often, people are preoccupied with issues that do not concern me, and their negative expressions are not necessarily directed at me.
Am I contradicting myself? Am I taking in the positives and brushing off the negatives? I do not think so. I aim to give people (staff and students) responsibility for their own attitudes and moods. Therefore, I try not to take on their negative feelings. If they choose not to share them with me so that I can help, then I must trust their ability to deal with their own concerns. However, when I can make someone smile who was frowning, then I feel a sense of accomplishment that I may have lightened their load for a short while.
After about 3 months in my new position, I was busy doing my job and I was flattered at how busy I was. I was encouraged that people were beginning to trust me enough that they were coming to me to solve their problems. When I got to the end of one day, I stopped and sat down. "Whew," I thought, "I haven't eaten lunch yet, and it's 4 o'clock!" I began writing down a list of all the things that I had dealt with that day. That is when it became clear that I was taking on too many problems in my desire to gain the trust of the staff. The novelty wore off after that, and I realized that occasionally teachers were asking me to do things that they could and should be doing themselves. So, by working too hard, I don't think I was doing anyone any favours, including myself.
Tuesday, December 5 th, I took a stand. A parent came to me with a concern. Her daughter's gym clothes were hidden as a joke. Her daughter had gone home and told her mother. I asked the parent what the teacher said when she had addressed the concern with him. She told me that she had not yet told him about it. Then I asked what the teacher had done when the student had spoken to the teacher about the situation. The response was the same. I told her that I was going to pass the concern on to the teacher and if he wanted my support, I would give it to him. However, I had complete confidence that the teacher could handle the situation competently. When I spoke to the teacher, he thanked me for my confidence and proceeded to pinpoint the culprits. Then I found the gym clothes and spoke to the guilty parties. (Paraphrase of Personal Journal, December 6, 2000)
That situation made clear to me that I should do only what only I can do. The very capable teachers with whom I work are often more aware of how a child's brain works in particular situations, and I value their input and advice as I am learning the job. By placing the issue back with the teacher, I showed him that I had confidence in him to handle things. Whether he was aware of it or not, his smile showed me that my actions spoke loudly to him, perhaps more loudly to him than words could have.
There is a fine balance as to the amount of importance that I put on the seemingly insignificant cues and signals that I perceive as positive. As mentioned earlier, needing those cues could be unhealthy. If I worked only to receive those cues, then I would very quickly lose my ability to be effective. In fact, I could shape my practice to receive approval, but I would have to decide whose approval would carry more weight. In other words, by whose values would I judge my effectiveness? Again, reflexivity is an issue. Knowing where to look for knowledge of a job well done is difficult. I am acquiring the ability to know when to switch my viewpoint from inward to outward or vice versa, through my experience.
As I reread my questions and reflected on the person that wrote them, I suddenly realized that when I do what feels right, I am "valuing my own voice." That is what has been missing until this point. In the course of a day, I am in contact with hundreds of people. I realized, while writing these thoughts, valuing other voices at the expense of my own is my main source of stress. I cannot possibly be all things to all people all the time. I knew that when I was a teacher, but in that role, I believe I learned that lesson subconsciously. In my new role, I am learning that lesson again, but on a more conscious level. So not only am I learning the expectations for an elementary administrator and a learning resource teacher, I am also defining my way of handling both roles. As a result of my reflection-on-action, and my reflection-on-values, I realize that I have learned two things. The first one I have already addressed--that is the importance of my standards of practice in establishing my personal credibility and my ability to become an educational administrator. The second one is based, in part, on my philosophy of education. As a conductor and coach, I have watched students grow and bloom as they gain confidence while learning new skills. While learning those skills, everyone needs to believe and trust that their best is good enough. As people develop new skills, they are more apt to risk in a positive atmosphere. If they trust that "their best is good enough," then I believe that they are more likely to take a supported risk.
Helping a student, staff member, or parent believe that their best is good enough is not patronizing, nor is it compromising my values. In fact, my desire that people feel supported and cared for is being exhibited in interactions where my philosophy is at the forefront. I am not necessarily agreeing with their lifestyle choices or their teaching philosophies, which could mean compromising my values. I am only respecting each individual and valuing them without judging, as my personality style described.
How I Define My Values
While thinking through my list of values, I found it very difficult to peel back enough layers to get to the root of why I do what I do the way that I do it. Paul Begley quotes Kluckhorn as defining a value as concept either explicit or implicit. The concept is usually distinctive of an individual and influences the selection of possible solutions in a given situation (1999, 218). I like this definition for two reasons. First, values are the root of an individual's decision-making process, and often we have to prioritize our values depending on each situation. Second, this definition addresses the fact that we are not always aware of the values we hold and their importance in creating our individuality. Often, I am most aware of my values when I am in the midst of a difficult decision and must weigh one value against another.
Constructed knowledge (Belenky et al., 1997) is "an effort to reclaim the self by attempting to integrate knowledge that [I feel] intuitively was personally important with knowledge [I] had learned from others" (p. 134). My goal is to develop my own definition of the role of elementary administrator. That involves a combination of acquiring knowledge about the position, then integrating my knowledge of self. I believe that I can do a credible job only if I am aware of my values and ensure that they are evident in my practice. However, many values may not be known until they are tested and become the basis for a decision that involves prioritizing values. Caring for a teacher that is tired and frustrated would be a high priority for me. However, if that teacher's frustration and fatigue result in attacking a student unduly, then my values would dictate that I become an advocate for the child. As we closed in on Christmas holidays, I saw the fatigue in most teachers. Some handled it better than others, and I struggled to set an example of maintaining my awareness of the bigger picture while mediating between tired teachers and excited students.
How Are My Values Evident?
My first priority is my ethic of care and empathy. August 2000, we hired a young lady who, I will call Wendy, to teach grade 4 on a long-term occasional placement. The regular teacher was off on a maternity leave. As the year progressed, Wendy and I had a few conversations and she shared with me when she met a special young man and various stories of their budding relationship. In November she brought him to the school craft show, and I was introduced to him. Wendy was very excited and thrilled with all aspects of their relationship. The first day back after the Christmas holidays, Wendy shared with me that her friend had asked for some space. He wanted a week off from their relationship to think through some issues of his own. I suggested that it would be hard but that she try her best to give him that week. "We were both hopeful that his week off from the relationship would yield a more committed rebirth. And as she explained, he did too" (Personal Journal, January2001). On January 22 nd there was a note on my desk from Wendy's mother who also taught at the same school. She wrote, Wendy
may need lots of cheering up today and for awhile. She talked with Roy on Saturday, things sounded better but he did a complete about face on Sunday by phone. She was devastated and heartbroken. She needs hugs and reassuring that she's worthwhile and he's the loser in all this. Just thought you'd like to know as I know you two talk! Thanks for listening and caring. (Personal Correspondence, January 22, 2001)
then signed the note. I was very sad for Wendy but not overly concerned. I knew that her family support and her own professional work ethic would help her get over that setback. However, I was very honoured that her own mother could see that I cared enough that I would want to help with some positive support. Having myself been through a divorce 6 years ago and in the process of learning the new dating scene myself, I was able to empathize and promise that the pain would fade. I did a great deal of listening for the next few days, and eventually her bounce returned to her step.
Values of Respect
About 6 weeks into the school year, one of the grade 8 teachers came to me to tell me that her sister had been successful earning a position in the elementary vice principal pool and had already been assigned her school. She knew that her sister and I had commuted to courses together the previous spring and that I would be interested in Sue's progress. She told me,
"Sue's really nervous because it's been awhile since she has worked in an elementary school but I told her to do what Cheryl did. Just don't walk in like you know everything, ask questions and seek advice about how they have done things in the past. Be honest."
I said, "Is that what I did?"
Dianna said, "Yes. You didn't pretend to know anything you didn't and you weren't afraid to ask questions."
I said, "Thanks, Dianna. I guess I now know what my entry plan was" (We laughed together). (Personal journal, October 2000)
Here was my validation that I had earned some respect by giving respect. Collaborating and working with people, rather than hiding within my role and making decisions without involving other people, has had a positive impact. This validation meant a great deal because it was unsolicited and it came from Dianna. When I began working at this school last August, I watched the way the teachers related to one another as well as how they related to me. I expected them to be relatively nice to me as we were all finding our way in our new relationships. Dianna was organized in her work and direct in her dealings with other people. On more than one occasion, I overheard her frankness when dealing with other teachers. Yet, I could sense the care underlying the conversations. She respected people enough to trust that they could handle her honesty. As a result, I knew she would not tell me what I wanted to hear; she would tell me exactly what she thought. She was one of the first people that I approached regarding this project and the possible evaluation of my effectiveness. She is one of the teachers-in-charge when both administrators are out of the building, so has an idea as to some of the various aspects of the role.
Later in the year I interviewed her about my effectiveness in my new role and took notes after the fact. She told me that because I had asked her for an opinion regarding issues that related to the intermediate division, she would accept my unpopular decisions more readily.
I know that you have to make the decision and I accept that. However, if I didn't agree, I know I could come to you and tell you what I thought. You would listen and even explain your reasons for that decision. But if you ever said, "sorry Dianna, it has to be like this", I'd trust that you thought it through and that you did listen to me. I know that I won't agree with every decision, and I don't have to, but I can respect it. (Personal journal, March 2001)
While writing this, I cannot help but think Dianna's words would have more life if you could see her say what she thinks. She is very intense and her eyes twinkle. She often leans forward as she speaks and slaps her knee when she laughs, which is often we when get together. I know she could retire after only one more year of teaching. However, she still cares passionately about her work. She often gives up her preparation time to counsel students who have been recommended to her by parents or other teachers. She is truly a valuable asset!
Humour
As described in the first chapter, I learned from my father and my uncles that a sense of humour is a wonderful tool for easing a tense situation and allowing people to gracefully withdraw. One Friday in late October, one of the teachers orchestrated a meeting after work at a local establishment. I can remember feeling that I had been accepted since I was invited to go along. I sat beside Sue Bothwell, a grade 3 teacher. Her daughter is currently in her third year of university, and I taught her when she was in high school, so Sue had some prior knowledge of me before she had officially met me. She leaned over at one point and shared this with me.
When we heard you were coming, we thought, oh, she's nice and I told everyone that you taught my daughter and you were very talented. But you know, it's your sense of humour and the way you support us that has made you successful. (Personal Journal, November 3, 2000)
I have worked closely with Sue and she helped me through the provincial testing procedure, helping me with the timeline and the preparation before the actual 5 days of testing. She and I also organized the volunteer breakfast on the last day of school. Sue works hard and is very organized. She also invests a great deal of energy communicating with parents. This spring, when her daughter went out west to visit her father, Sue went through a tough time and I frequently asked about her daughter. We have developed a relationship based on professional respect and care.
One day, standing in the office, Stan, the principal, told me that I "have a good way with humour when [I] deal with people"(Personal journal, February 2001).
The one significant instance was at our very first staff meeting. A teacher came in and sat behind me that I had not spoken to before. In fact, I was not sure of his name. I overheard one of the other teachers asking him if he was going to set up his room before the first day of school. I turned and said, "Is that your room next door?" He laughed and nodded. (In his room, all the desks were pushed together into one large surface.) Another teacher leaned over and said to me, "Yes, Gord is going to try the learning centre approach this year."
I replied, "Yes, but usually isn't there more than one?" Everyone chuckled and others joined in with appropriate comments (Personal journal, August 2000).
Empathy
Empathy is important and I think there are two parts to the issue. Not only do I try to understand children and adults in my daily practice, I try to help students understand themselves, as well. One young man was having his medication adjusted, so often in the afternoon he would lose control and begin to fidget, tap, and eventually get belligerent. As soon as I would call his mother and we got in the car so I could drive him home, he would settle somewhat. One day, I asked him how he felt when he couldn't sit still anymore.
"I don't know, I just have to tap and that bugs my teacher, you know?"
"And how does your tummy feel when you need to tap?" I asked.
"I can't say. I just have to move. "
"Does your tummy feel sick or wound up?" I asked.
He jumped a little in the seat and looked at me. "Wound up. That's exactly it, wound up."
"And what helps your tummy settle down?"
"Colouring and colouring, just colouring."
"Is that why you have been making me all those pictures?" I asked.
"Yep. I just have to colour. '(Personal journal, January 2001)
Music
Music is such a part of me that explaining it seems almost redundant. I went to my new school knowing that there was a strong choir but there was a lady there who had directed the choir for years. At one of the early staff meetings, in August, I offered to help her if she needed me, but I was very careful not to appear to want to take over. I knew that my position as administrator meant that I would be out of the school on occasion and sometimes crises could arise, so it would be difficult for me to commit to regular practices. Also, the current shortage of qualified administrators meant that I had no guarantee as to how long I would be staying at this school.
Her financial situation changed, so she had to apply for a position that would be greater than half-time. She was successful and discovered she would have to leave just prior to the festival. I could not help because the day they were scheduled to perform at the music festival, I had to chair the Identification, Placement, and Review Committee meetings at our school. She arranged to be absent from her new school to take the choir to the festival. After the festival, I took over and held choir practices to prepare for "Grandparents and Special Friends" Day. I really enjoyed the process and the students did a wonderful job! Susanne Reid, a colleague and friend, videotaped one of our rehearsals and the performance so I could watch and listen at my leisure. Then, the children and I had a pizza lunch in the gym and watched ourselves. They were very excited! I took to conducting that age group very well and thoroughly enjoyed it. Due to my schedule as administrator, I sent a letter home listing the rehearsal dates. One of the choir mothers is a volunteer and we met in the staff room one day.
"Thank you for taking over the choir," she said.
"Trust me, I enjoyed it as much as the students. Did it help giving you a list of the dates for "
"Yes, it's on the fridge and we all know when choir practice is." She rolled her eyes a little and she smiled. (Personal Journal, April 24, 2001)
Her daughter is one of the more committed choir members.
Another choir mother is an Educational Assistant at the school. Her daughter is one of the older choir members, and I wanted to keep her and a few of her friends interested and attending rehearsals. I challenged them to learn a harmony part and sing it against the whole group. They were thrilled, according to Kelly's mother. They even suggested that we have a couple of extra practices so they would do well. They came through and the tape is evidence that their harmony part balanced the rest of the group singing the melody, so now they can't wait until next year.
Final Thoughts
In conclusion, I have learned that I am most successful when I trust my intuition in action and integrate that with my new knowledge--the feelings and knowledge that other people bring to the situation. Buytendijk (in Van Manen, 1990) states that "a good phenomenological description is collected by lived experience and recollects lived experience--is validated by lived experience and it validates lived experience" (p. 27). Bateson (1990) believes that "composing a life means integrating one's own commitments with the differences created by change and the differences that exist between the peoples of the world with whom we increasingly come into contact" (p. 59).
"Becoming and staying aware of the workings of their minds are vital to constructivist women's sense of well-being. Self-awareness aids them in setting the ground rules for their interactions with others and in self-definition"(Belenky et al., 1997, p. 141). There are stages to becoming a confident, competent, caring elementary school principal. Each stage becomes apparent only after the fact, when "reflecting-on-action" (Schon, 1983). My "living educational theory" (Whitehead, 1989) will continue to evolve and shift as I continue to act, reflect on my action and revise my practice. The cycle continues. I look inward for the answer to a situation then look outward for the results. When I trust my intuition, I have discovered that I am more likely working from the inside-out: from my values. Seeing the resulting improvement in student learning increases my trust in my own intuition and confidence in, and awareness, of my values. Schön (1983) states that "when practitioners reflect-in-action, they describe their own intuitive understandings" (p. 276). My "intuitive understandings" allow me to gain confidence in my personal and professional judgement.
Contradictions
When I completed this work, I wrote up the project and was quite happy with the content. We organized a celebration of the cohorts' learning and invited many people to hear each member present a brief overview of their learning to date. Since we spoke in alphabetical order, I went first. As each of the other members spoke, a feeling of unease set in. Did I show any instances where my values were negated in my practice? Did I include any "stories of ruin" (Lather cited in Maclure, 1996, p. 283)? Do I sound too perfect in my paper? Then the wheels began to turn. Jack Whitehead (1989) believes that we become more aware of our values when we "experience problems when [our] educational values are negated in [our] practice" (p. 3). I believe that a mistake is only a mistake if it is repeated. Therefore, I try very hard to learn from situations which I could have handled better. However, with the help of my critical friends and analysis of my practice, I have discovered three areas in which I acted contrary to my values. The first involved matching myself against the "Standards of Practice"(Ontario College of Teachers, 1999b) even though I disagree with checklists for teacher evaluation. The second incident was a staff meeting when I aimed the video camera on me and taped my practice. I did not like the amount of talking I did. I was not listening to the voices of others. The third incident is more complicated. According to the results from the Covey survey of my peers, my lowest mark was for my ability to accept criticism. If I am truly interested in improving my practice, then why am I giving the message that I do not accept criticism? And if that is the message I am giving, am I truly getting honest feedback from colleagues?
I will start with the easiest issue first. When the Standards of Practice(1999b) were first published by the Ontario College of Teachers, Jackie Delong and I decided to match ourselves against those standards using our stories--descriptions of situations which we felt exemplified each respective standard. As we worked through the list, we were very happy with the work we were doing even though we had difficulty deciding which story best fit with which standard. We found there was often more than one standard in a story, and sometimes a standard did not fit with our practice. However, only after we were finished did we realize that we had just tried to adopt someone else's framework to evaluate our effectiveness as educators. In Chapter Five I explain more fully my dislike for imposed standards. The values outlined in this chapter have formed the base for the creation of my standards by which I prefer to be judged. I keep a copy of that document to remind myself to think before acting.
The second instance was my videotape. No other person appears in the tape because teachers at meetings, like people at church, tend to fill in from the back of the room first. I handed out journals and asked each person to write a short description of a situation which elicited a strong emotion. After that was complete, I asked them to pick a partner and trade stories. When they came back into the room, I asked for ideas or things that they had learned from their stories.
When I watched the tape, I was astounded! I did not let them speak very long, so the discussion did not achieve the depth that I had desired. In my nervousness, I wanted the whole activity to be relatively structured and safe so they would consider engaging in research themselves, but I neglected to engage them in the discussion sufficiently to understand the process. Two teachers did ask if they could be involved, however, and the principal was very interested in the process and has asked the staff to each have one goal that they would like to improve over the course of the next school year. The activity that I planned did have an impact, but not the overwhelming response for which I had hoped. I recognize that without taking the risk of encouraging deeper discussion, I was not walking my own talk; I was not modeling my espoused values.
The final situation is more difficult. Albeit the implication of the Covey results was that I find it difficult to accept criticism only 20% of the time, however, it still is an issue for consideration. I felt uncomfortable videotaping my practice for two reasons. One, I changed that aspect on my submission for the Ethics Review Board so wanted to remain true to the promise I had made them. Also, I did not know people well enough to ask them to take that risk with me. Since I felt uncomfortable videotaping my practice, I had to rely on feedback from colleagues and, therefore, honesty was essential. If I give an indication in my composure or facial expression of which I am not aware, then I am discouraging honesty and even negating the value of the voices of others. To truly value the feedback of colleagues, I have to be able to accept the negative with the positive. If that implied negative message is based on my concern that I have let someone down, then am I not measuring myself by the standards of other people? The difficulty as mentioned in an earlier chapter is finding the balance between wanting honest feedback to validate my standards and needing positive feedback to validate my practice in my new role as vice principal.
An example is the following story. In my new role, 40% of the time I am a vice principal and 60% of the time I am a Learning Resource Teacher. I had not worked in either capacity before August 2000 when I began my new role. In June I had met Susanne Reid at a workshop. She is the other Learning Resource Teacher at our school and a wonderful person. Like me she has worked the majority of her career in the secondary panel but, as her daughter began attending school, she began volunteering at the elementary school and eventually became a qualified learning resource teacher. In the first few days of working together, we were handed a difficult issue. As we had agreed to divide the grades to make our workload equitable, this new student fell under her jurisdiction. We had a discussion in my office about the issue. I could feel the angst in the room spiraling as we were both trying to read between the lines of the other person's speech. Finally, I said, "Enough! We are both treading too carefully around each other. Susanne, you and I will be working together too much for us to spend time trying to figure out what the other person is really saying."
Susanne smiled with relief and said, "Yes."
I suggested that we make a pact that no matter what, she and I would be perfectly straight with each other. Susanne agreed. I remember that incident because from then on we had a great working relationship. In December, when I interviewed Susanne about my values and the way that she perceived my practice, she mentioned that incident as a huge relief for her, also. So her note about feeling valued, mentioned earlier in this chapter, was made more meaningful as a result of our honesty pact.
I described this story to show that I am working at building honest relationships and succeeding in at least one area. However, I recognize that future improvement can be made in my ability to accept negative feedback. That is my next research project.
In Chapter Five, I define my standards of practice as they exist today, knowing that they will remain fluid as "living standards" (Whitehead, 1989).
